Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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