I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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