you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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