Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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