Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
