Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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