You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
