Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
