So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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