Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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