saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
