just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
