a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
40s are totally the cure
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
