have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
