I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
