dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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