the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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