I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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