I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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