Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
