I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
