did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
