trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
