I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
