That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
