hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
