I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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