hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
