this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
