he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize