Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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