Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
