We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize