You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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