and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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