the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize