on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
