i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
