yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
