Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
