Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
