I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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