Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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