Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
