Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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