I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize