you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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