Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
