Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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