the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
