Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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