God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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