i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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