So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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