I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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