my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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