Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
