Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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