hotel room ftw
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
