I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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