I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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