Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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