I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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