Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
