I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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